Jessie Gillespie
Art Geek. Geek Art.
Smell Like a Ranger

I was messing about on the Internet, as always, and I came across a Time article about Dungeons and Dragons, of all things. Specifically, RPG-themed perfumes. Of course I needed to investigate – how could I not?

On investigating the page, it described character creation: race, class, and alignment. So I decided to see what I would smell like, should I use their chart to play my archetypal character, a half-elven chaotic ranger (For completion’s sake, I was a little disappointed that they didn’t have the more specific alignments like Chaotic Good… which is my alignment of preference). So here we go.

First, race. I’ve almost always played half-elves, simply because… well, I don’t want to be a full-on poncy elf, but I don’t want to be a human, either. So the forbidden union of pointy and round ear it is. Perks like low light vision and magic resistance, coupled with the robust build of a stubby h00-man. Ostensibly, this would mean I smell like “White sandalwood, beeswax, white tea leaf, oud, and a hint of sophisticated urban musk.” I’m sure you, like myself, are asking “What the hell is oud? Isn’t that an alien species from Dr. Who?” According to Wikipedia, it’s a type of Turkish instrument; according to Glass Petal Smoke,

Of all the ingredients used as incense, none is as precious and revered as Oud wood. The story of Oud (also known as Agarwood or Aloeswood) is an interesting one. A fungus (Phialophora parasitica) infects the tree and the heartwood responds by creating an aromatic resin. Nature provides an interesting metaphor for managing life’s tribulations with the story of Oud. Consider the facts. Something foreign and dangerous attacks the tree. The tree responds from its heart and produces something more precious and powerful than the very thing that invades it. Imagine what the world would be like if each of us could respond to negative forces with such grace.

So, the resin of a special fungus-infested tree. I’m sure it’s actually quite lovely – and fitting for a D&D setting as a ‘rare ingredient found deep in the heart of the feywood’ or some such.

Next, class. I like a bit of the outdoors, and I always have an animal companion if I can help it, so Ranger just makes sense. “Untamed wilderness: buckskin accord with Terebinth pine, Russian birch, black ironwood, elder bark, hay, armoise, juniper, patchouli, galangal root, Spanish moss, and cabreuva.” Hay, huh. Well, I suppose that makes sense. A lot of archers use hay bales as practice targets, and hay is a common bedding for animals. I can get behind that. If I looked up everything in that description that I didn’t know what it was, this article would go on forever, so I’m going to say “sounds French” and move on.

Alignment is a tough one for me. I definitely prefer to do things that are beneficial for others, but my characters also tend to… ignore laws when they’re inconvenient. I’d be Chaotic Good, if I could, but with the limited palette provided, I’ll have to go with Chaotic, “a whirling mélange of multicolored musks with wasabi, rooibos, heliotrope, and mastic.” That actually sounds a bit like an Asian Fusion sauce, if you ask me, but it doesn’t sound bad at all. I could definitely think of worse.

If I were to wear ALL of my perfumes simultaneously, I would smell of white sandalwood, beeswax, white tea leaf, oud, and a hint of sophisticated urban musk, buckskin accord with Terebinth pine, Russian birch, black ironwood, elder bark, hay, armoise, juniper, patchouli, galangal root, Spanish moss, and cabreuva, multicolored musks with wasabi, rooibos, heliotrope, and mastic. I don’t think that’d necessarily smell like anything other than my character was pushed off a rooftop and fell into a perfumist’s kiosk.

But, it’s fun to think about. Also, they sell them in 5ml bottles for less than $20; 5ml being about the size of an essential oil bottle, or if you’re a nerd – P3 paints come in 18 ml size. They’re very tiny, but from the rest of the website and reviews I’ve found, you don’t need much at all to smell nice.

In conclusion, there’s no reason for you to smell bad anymore. Pick a class, race or alignment, and show up smelling… of, well, anything but Orc or BO. Same thing, really.

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